User's Guide And Maintenance of Ulquiorra Schiffer
by UnagiKeki
Summary: The care and keeping of everyone's favorite angsty arrancar! *Sorry for the delay!


**Authtor's Note: And now, the much awaited sequel to 'The User's Guide to Grimmjow Jeagerjaques'... Yeah. I've been gone a while. Sorry, guys. **

***Format belongs to Theresa Green, who has apparently left and is unable to oppose to the borrowing of such. Still, respect da copyright.**

* * *

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a new ULQUIORRA SCHIFFER interactive unit, the most beloved of the 'Aizen And Friends' series. It is suggested that you read through the following guide in order to provide the most convivial care for your arrancar.

**Technical Specifications:**

Name: Ulquiorra Swifter Duster

Sex: Male

Familiar: Yammi-Yammi, The Singing Baddy (arm piece intentionally missing)

Produced by Freaky Means of Dimension-Warping, Evil Powers at the Hands of Aizen (some parts assembled in Malaysia), Bad Guy Division; Licensed by Hueco Mundo Playthings, Inc.

Your ULQUIORRA comes with:

- Interchangable hakama and evening gown

- Removable eyepiece

- Horned helmet and kneepads

- Black nail polish for frequent reapplication

The applications of this model for amusement and work are nearly endless. A few helpful functions are listed here for your convenience:

- Obedient Servant: ULQUIORRA will gladly serve the whims of anyone for no apparent reason, and will love to lurch around your house whipping stray Arrancar or young children into shape!

- Dust Buster: With the nearness of his last name to a common brand of cleaning product, ULQUIORRA has a secret tendency for cleanliness!

- Babysitter: ULQUIORRA will observe a captive child with stalkerish fervency, and even force-feed your baby!

- Spying: ULQUIORRA'S remote-controlled, digital video-camera eyeball means that you can now monitor those around you clandestinely! Spy on your older sister, promiscuous girlfriend, or cheat on that Advanced Calculus test you forgot all about!

The following modes come pre-installed onto your ULQUIORRA:

Fitzwilliam Darcy (Default)

Resurrecion

Slash (locked)

Clinically Depressed (locked)

Your ULQUIORRA will spend most of his waking hours with a perpetually snooty and uncomfortable expression, as if a ramrod were jammed up his jacksie. Fans of Jane Austen will immediately recognize his resemblance to Mr. Darcy from _Pride and Prejudice _in manner. Unlike Fitzwilliam Darcy, however, ULQUIORRA will not save your sister from destitution, be followed by lilting music, or chase you down in the rain to confess his undying love.

Resurrecion Form is a dangerous tendency for your ULQUIORRA to overload, and may only be activated in times of distress. Dealing with this phenomenon is detailed on page 3.

Clinical Depression Mode will overtake your ULQUIORRA infrequently, but is nearly indistinguishable from Darcy Mode. Symptoms of this naturally-occurring phenomenon include talking down to those he would like to socialize with, rhapsodizing about the fleetingness of existence, and threats of homicide (like we said, indistinguishable).

Slash Mode is…well, unlikely to be activated, given ULQUIORRA's stoic nature. Forcing ORIHIME models onto your ULQUIORRA will inevitably lead to the messy death of the ORIHIME in question, and is not recommended by Hueco Mundo Playthings, Incorporated.

**Relations With Other Units:**

_WARNING: Aizen and Friends models (Bad Guy Division) are not compatible in any way with the Good Guy Division models. Exposure to any units belonging to the 'Seireitei Squads' or 'Court Guard Cuddlies' could result in massive damage all involved units; these include the 'Ichigo and Ichigo Support Characters' series, and all members of the 'Vizard' line. _

AIZEN: Besides making your ULQUIORRA ask philosophical questions of himself, AIZEN will primarily motivate your unholy unit towards a central purpose (until the unit is carbonized by an ICHIGO KUROSAKI model, that is)

YAMMI: No ULQUIORRA would be complete without his intellectually challenged sidekick! Despite appearances, YAMMI units are extremely strong and violent, reinforcing the traditional 'jock' stereotype. YAMMI units are, in short, your high-school-bully nightmare come true.

ORIHIME: The rare Slash encounter aside, ORIHIME models are irresistible to ULQUIORRA units. Your ULQUIORRA will feel the need to capture, threaten, and dress up any ORIHIME unit within reach, and have been reported to force-feed the occasional stubborn unit. In enough words to keep the fan girls guessing, ULQUIORRA and GRIMMJOW units will express some attachment to ORIHIME models, even rescuing her from vengeful ARRANCA' HO' models (available with purchase of AIZEN THE PIMP unit, convertible not included).

KUROSAKI ICHIGO: ICHIGO and ULQUIORRA generally do not get along. Interactions between the pair should be supervised, and if a bloody nose occurs, yes, ULQUIORRA most likely started it.

_Verbal abuse and scary glaring is entirely expected on any level of socialization with ULQUIORRA models, and is not a defect or programming error._

'**Ressurecion Mode' Activation and Management:**

Unique to the Arrancar line is the optional 'Resurrecion' setting, a fun and interactive mode where the unit may shape shift, accumulate a great amount of strength, and lose all tolerance for filler characters or the DMV waiting line. To initiate Resureccion Mode, place ULQUIORRA in front of the viral game smash-hit 'Don't Shoot The Puppy' or expose the model to an ICHIGO unit. Once set in this mode, ULQUIORRA can become a deferrer of door-to-door solicitors, an excellent device for repelling tp-ers on Halloween, or a boon in laser tag, among other possibilities.

**Care and Keeping:**

ULQUIORRA units generally keep a their quarters tidy, preferring minimalism and cleanliness. ULQUIORRA will dust and condition wood furniture obsessively, and even dip himself in cleaner and scooch across the floor to 'mop' with his ridiculously long coattails. ULQUIORRA does not need to be fed; he subsists on day-old puppies and brain-damaged baby seals, which he will hunt for himself.

The nature of ULQUIORRA models are can-dosive to a subservient relationship punctuated by violent rebellion. Harm to the unit, the user, and house guests of the user are covered by warranty for the first thirteen seconds of ownership; after that, no one is going to give you a dime if he head-butts you and rips your femoral artery with that one, wonky horn.

**Disposal:**

Should grow fatigued with the maintenance of an ULQUIORRA model, relinquishing responsibility for the unit is easily accomplished: simply enclose your ULQUIORRA unit in an easily-swept area with an ICHIGO unit, and wait until all is quiet. If an ICHIGO unit is unavailable, then invite GRIMMJOW to 'play' in the garbage disposal.

**FAQ:**

Q: ULQUIORRA has become so violent around my young child that I can't leave them alone anymore! What should I do?

A: Decide which one you like best.

Q: My ULQUIORRA unit has begun speaking French. What could have caused this?

A: This relapse lies in an entirely obscure, ridiculously out-there reference hidden within Ulquiorra's last name, which was taken from a French furniture designer of yore. A person could only be expected to know this if they have read the entire Arrancar Wikipedia page out of boredom, and consequentally have no hope of obtaining a social life (like the writer of this unfortunate guide).

Q: How would I go about activating ULQUIORRA's Slash Mode with a model besides ORIHIME, such as a GRIMMJOW or GIN unit?

A: Please call our toll-free number at the back of the guide to receive a box of MIND SOAP, you ecchi, ecchi, nasty person.

**Trouble-Shooting:**

Problem: ULQUIORRA has itchy, red eyes and is sneezing uncontrollably.

Solution: Your ULQUIORRA is allergic to dust, and can't keep up with the state of your house. Call the damn Merry Maids!

Problem: Your ULQUIORRA unit lapses into Resureccion Mode at the slightest provocation.

Solution: Stop pissing him off.

Problem: Your ULQUIORRA and ORIHIME units have mated _(Hueco Mundo Playthings, Inc. would like to stress that this is an extremely rare event)_

Solution: Help ULQUIORRA with a down payment on a trashy apartment, where ORIHIME and the subsequent offspring may live while ULQUIORRA gets a manual labor job and tries to finish getting his Bachelor's Degree while being continually hampered by poverty and the fertility of ORIHIME units. When ULQUIORRA divorces ORIHIME (leaving her with twelve children), and takes up drinking, do NOT let him borrow your car keys.

With time and a bit of patience, your ULQUIORRA unit will blossom into a wise, self-confident undead being with plenty of affection to spare (unless, of course, he kills you). ULQUIORRA's warranty becomes legally void when the box is opened. Please see our website for more details.


End file.
